Having decided that you are going to purchase a lubricant, the pharmacy can throw up some complications. There is usually an alarmingly wide selection of possible pleasure enhancers that send the mind and the genitals reeling. And amongst these options are numerous lubricant red-herrings. There are more varieties of lube than there are (*tries to think of relevant satirical comment on things there are lots of *) … Sugababes (?) – Oh I don’t know.

Anyway, enough cutting satire. Here is my list of lubes to approach with caution; advice designed to save you time otherwise spent standing by the row of colourful bottles, thinking: “I may as well be wearing a huge badge that says ‘I have a dry cunt and I <3 anal’”. Here’s my take on:

Warming Lube: Imagine setting fire to your sexual orifice. If I wanted to shove a candle up my vagina, I’d ruin my little brother’s next birthday party. Steer clear unless you want to find out the real inspiration for Johnny Cash’s ‘Ring of Fire’.

Tingling Lube: You may as well allow your partner to pleasure you back to front, because that’s how you best get a urinary tract infection. It would be cheaper to develop a UTI than to buy ‘Tingling’ lube, yet it would produce roughly the same effect.

Aloe Vera Lube: Always described as ‘kind and gentle’, like a pathetic Tinder bio. I mean, I don’t want a super macho lube, but come on Aloe Vera, woo me a little!

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Orgasm Enhancing Lube: Oh, if only. A sweet idea, inevitably designed by a man over at Lube Headquarters who fooled himself into thinking it was that simple. Why don’t they try ‘Lube that will make it much more likely that you’ll have an orgasm at all’ before shooting for the stars.

2-in-1 Massage Oil Lube: Perfect if you’re a ‘shampoo ’n’ conditioner’ kind of kid. I’m not. I bought a clockpen once. Thought it was over-rated. In my opinion, all really worthwhile products seem to have a sole purpose. ‘This MRI machine also functions as a washing machine!’ No thanks.

Strawberry Lube: If I’m going to give you head, I’m going to give you head. Never have I thought, ‘Well, I don’t really feel like going down, but I sure do love strawberries’.

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Cherry Lube: Totally different scenario, absolutely amazing, best sex I’ve ever had! Lol jk, same theory applies.

When will they learn that sex is no picnic?