Watercolour by Aydua

We all know the conventional rallying cries against the pube-removal process. Broadly speaking, these divide into three categories:

1. PAIN. Remember how sore it was ripping that plaster off? And that was your knee, not your labia.

2. FEMINISM. Men, despite being apparently more suited to gardening, are allowed to keep their personal lawns wild.

3. FINANCE. You know you can buy a bullet vibrator for like a fiver, right? Even waterproof ones for if you get bored when scuba-diving? Don’t blow your hard-earned pennies on a hairless minge.

We know why removing our pubic hair is a painful, patriarchal bore. Take away the social pressures, and any person who willingly puts a razor or hot wax in such close proximity to their clitoris would be deemed clinically insane.

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But what we don’t tend to discuss is why having pubic hair is a good thing. Not from a health perspective, or an avante-garde, life drawing, perspective, I’m talking about, on a day-to-day basis, how possessing pubes can genuinely enhance your existence. Here is a list delineating the pro-pube mentality:

1. If a lover makes a negative comment about your ample supply of pubic hair, you can give the snappy retort, ‘If you want to fuck a child, I recommend you see a psychiatrist,’ instantly establishing your role as the intellectual alpha. The subsequent sexual encounter, if you are forgiving enough to go through with it, will then become a symbolic display of your coronation as ‘the queen of sass’.

2. Pubes are intrinsically egalitarian. I was lamenting being the only non-Caucasian using a shared bathroom on the basis that my pubic hair would be instantly identifiable in the shower. But apparently all pubic hair is dark. There is no such thing as an Arian pube! This should bring us all great comfort.

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3. If you lose heart half way through a masturbation attempt, you can always wile away the hours playing ‘find-the-thickest-pube’ instead.

4. Having pubic hair as a woman is a sure-fire way of weeding out the weak when it comes to oral sex. If he can’t be arsed to make it through the forest, is he really very likely to be sufficiently, clitorally attentive? Have yourself a huge bush and find yourself the Indiana Jones of cunnilingus.

5. Pubic hair is nature’s recompense to adolescents who were deprived of pets in their childhood. Meet your new furry friend, kiddo.

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6. If anyone is unoriginal enough to tell you, in the context of flirtation, ‘You have long hair!’ you can immediately test their comic fibre by replying, ‘Phaa, you should see my cunt!’ Any suitor who takes you up on this offer has shown gumption, and on this basis, perhaps, deserves a chance.

7. I was once told to shave by a man who was literally balding. He arrogantly sauntered into middle age, whilst resenting the fact that I had left puberty. But, if you do have pubes, and an aging man voices his displeasure, you can suggest the following wager: ‘I’ll shave my pubes on condition that we gather them up, take them to a leading medical professional, and get them transplanted onto your head.’